a different approach - part 1

Its 8.15 am, I've been up for almost 2 hours and for some reason I woke up with a cloud over me.  Some days just seem heavier, the negative thoughts seem stickier and those many areas in my life that are unsorted simply seem one big mess. 

I am not going to give in though.  I will try a new approach.  I will focus on my boy and the joys and blessings he brings me. I am going to choose to embrace and rejoice in the place God has me and focus on loving my son. 

I know there are a million things I probably need to think about sorting but most of them can wait.  Seriously, when I look into his adorable face those nasty negative thoughts really do start to diminish. 

So here's my plan:  I will fill my day by documenting the moments I have with him. To treasure forever...  Just another way to 'give thanks in all things'.  This is going to be fun.  Here is my first video of Charles...

the art of letting go

This will now be my third attempt to compose my latest blog post and this time I'm hoping to get it to the point where I can hit the 'publish' button.

Life at the moment is very much wrapped up in being a Mum to wee Charles.  Week days have a fairly similar pattern to them.   So even though life has slowed down in some respects, the lessons I am learning seem very poignant and I'm sure will prove to be a solid foundation for the long journey of motherhood ahead of me.   This beginning phase has brought with it a new set of challenges which are definitely exposing some areas in need of a transformational touch.  I'd like to share a few of my thoughts on what the Lord seems to be revealing to me in this season.

Most days when I wake up my mind starts to buzz with a gazillion things I want to achieve.   Once I've fed Charles and seen Cody off to work I get my whiteboard out to write my to-do list.   I simply love it when things go according to my plans and expectations for the day.  It gives me a delicious sense of security and worth as I tick each item off.   At the end of the day I strategically place my whiteboard where I know Cody will see it just so I can hear him say "My! You got a lot done! What a perfect wife and mother you are" (I don't really do this...Ok, Ive done it once and it didn't even work).   The culture we live in is so performance-oriented and achievement-driven that its no wonder I approach my life in this way (without fully being aware of it until recently).    It comes down to the desire to be in control of everything.  Its a tiring cycle to get stuck in.   I am learning the art of letting go (emphasis on the learning).   I don't think the answer lies in not writing a list and not getting anything done but in something deeper.  My hurried approach to life dulls my awareness of how my controlling nature spills over into the daily tasks.  I am learning to slow down and recognise the moments in my day where I need to let go and simply embrace. Its not a big deal if I don't get everything done that I intended.  So what if Charlie is going through yet another phase of change - yes it throws me, frustrates me...but at some point I have to let it go (note to self: next time this happens, don't waste hours on the internet trying to work it out).   The standards and expectations I place on myself are often unrealistic and the effect can be crippling.   It is the not the path to freedom, the freedom that God promises but so few of us get to experience.  God Himself does not hold up a standard and expect His children to reach it so who am I to do the same.  How awesome is it that He loves me just as I am, not for what I can do.  Understanding who God is and His heart toward me is key in learning this.  He is gentle and meek, it is only me who is hard on myself.  Like the saying goes - I am my own worst enemy.  

In the past there have been challenging seasons where I have come to the end of myself and have been faced with the necessity to let go of the things that I can not control.  I think this is a constant challenge and in some ways it is easier to acknowledge this need when our circumstances highlight our own weaknesses and need for the Lord.   This truth seems to be even more of a theme in my life since little Charles entered this world -  I am not only tempted to take control of my own life but now another little being whom the Lord has given me the responsibility of stewarding.  I want to understand the importance of recognising the areas I can't control (such as another human being) and letting them go into the Lord's hands.  I'm sure there will be many opportunities to practice this along the path of parenthood. 

God is giving me the choice, daily, to get rid of the expectations and burdens I heap on myself and to come to Him.  To shed the burdens I place on myself and take His yoke and burden, which is easy and light.  To learn from Him because (unlike myself) He is so gentle toward me.   Learning this truth leads me to more and more freedom; something that can only be found in Him.

Here is a great portion taken from a book I read recently:

“Humbly let go. Let go of trying to do, let go of trying to control, let go of my own way, let go of my own fears. Let God blow His wind, His trials, oxygen for joy's fire. Leave the hand open and be. Be at peace. Bend the knee and be small and let God give what God chooses to give because He only gives love and whisper a surprised thanks. This is the fuel for joy's flame. Fullness of joy is discovered only in the emptying of will. And I can empty. I can empty because counting His graces has awakened me to how He cherishes me, holds me, passionately values me. I can empty because I am full of His love. I can trust.”

Ann Voskamp (taken from 'One Thousand Gifts')

Life

I've just put Charles down for a nap - I can hear him talking to himself as he slips into sleep. I love this. I love him. So so so much. People told me how much I would love this boy when he was in my belly and I believed them but I never really felt it. I feel it now. Sometimes overwhelmingly so. It sure was worth all the scariness I had to go through to get him. The bleeding, the bedrest, the long hospital stay, the c-section seems so far behind me. God carried me through it all. Often during that whole experience I wondered if I would ever feel like having number 2. Already I find myself wondering...but for now it won't be going further than wonders. Although I've had my post-birth moments when I questioned why so many people end up with more than one child - I think this came out of the fogginess of sleep deprivation.

Charlie and I went for a walk this morning. It was so beautiful with a view of the ocean and the city - and no wind. I love the ...

Fast forward 3 hours...

I'm back at the start of the cycle: nap number 3, attempt number 2. Why is it that there are days that are way more unpredictable than others? Charles usually has great day naps. Today just happens to be a day where he doesn't want to nap. And today happens to be the day that I am motivated to get lots done. I was all inspired and wrote a list of things to do...start blogging again, bake, prepare dinner, pilates...and I didn't get to tick one thing off - Actually, I did start blogging again! Oh well at least I had some fun with my babe. I'll try achieve the other things tomorrow.

On the brink of motherhood

I have now been on rest mode for over 12 weeks and in hospital for one month and 2 days of that time. I never knew I would end up having a (generally) good attitude throughout this season which has surprisingly gone by pretty quickly. God has been with me. I have experienced His Grace firsthand in a very real way. Because knowing myself and how I imagined I would be is completely different to how I have found this experience. I definitely have had my meltdown moments where I would cope by considering discharging myself and releasing my sassy side on my family or hospital staff. I have gone through stages of disappointment and grief surrounding my first pregnancy experience, questioning God and wondering why this had to even happen in the first place, why prayers weren't answered and my placenta didn't move out the way...etc etc. It has forced me to be very honest before God. At times fears and worries have consumed me. But during such an intense roller coaster ride where the pressure is on and there is no where to hide, no distractions to bury myself in I am faced with a choice - turning to God and finding out if His Grace is truly enough to sustain me. I have found that it is. I have had no other choice but to lean on His strength when I am feeling broken, beyond myself with nothing left in me.

After being admitted to hospital knowing that I was going to be there until delivery day I became so scared at the idea of just waiting for the next bleed. This fear would come and go but would always be lingering in the back of my mind. So when the next two bleeds did come (on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day) I was surprised at how it actually went. My biggest worry was that it would happen when I was away from the hospital. I had leave for Christmas Day and so I was pleased that it happened before I left (even if that did mean missing out on Christmas). The circumstances surrounding it made it less scary than I had imagined it to be. Cody happened to be there, there was no need to panic since the amount wasn't huge and the staff that were on were really amazing. God cushioned me all the way. Christmas Day was a lot harder since the second bleed was bigger and the doctors presented us with the decision to deliver that day with them advising us to. Both Cody and I felt peace to hold off and we are so happy we did because it has now been 5 days with no bleeding! I now have my c-section date booked for next Wednesday the 4th of January with the possibility of it happening sooner. I am so pleased to say I will be 36.5 weeks by then, which is a long way to come from the first bleed at 23 weeks.

I have learnt so much during this time. I have felt so loved by my friends and family who continually come to visit me and cheer me up. I have seen the most amazing love shown by my husband who has been by my side every moment he can. I have seen how God has lead every step of the way. Although I didn't see any miracles regarding the position of the placenta moving, I know that God leading us to New Zealand when He did was a big enough miracle for me to dwell on forever. Had we stayed in the States like we had originally planned we would be up to our eyeballs in debt. Thank God for free healthcare! Next thing to face is the scary operation (which I'm trying to not think about)...and then motherhood!!!

Day 6

Amazing friends giving the two pregnant gals hand and foot massages!!

Its interesting where life takes us. Life has never taken me to hospital...up until now. And now in its (recently) typically dramatic fashion, life has lead me to take up residence in hospital for at least 6 weeks. Since one of the challenges I face on a daily basis is to come up with ways to consume my time, I have decided to resort back to blogging as one thing to occupy myself with. Thank God for computers. I don't care about having to spend a bit of money to pay for the internet. I don't care that I am relying (probably too much) on being connected to the world through a computer. I am using anything I can...Facebook, emails, pinterest, online Christmas shopping, books, trashy magazines, my cousins hard-drive which contains almost 100 movies, journalling, texting, walking round the ward etc etc. Its funny the things that I would usually be monitoring more just goes flying out the window when my priority is just about getting through each day.

Family and friends have been so amazingly supportive. An appreciation for my loved ones has deepened so significantly through realising its the people connections that keep my head afloat. Having visitors come and go keep me sane. My husband is my rock and his strength, support and love never ceases to amaze me. Its in these hard times that one's character shines forth. I have to pinch myself sometimes because I can't believe I got to marry such an incredible man. My Mum and Dad will keep reminding me that all of this will be worth it when I am holding my baby boy. Each visitor brings their own gift by simply coming - a reminder that I haven't been forgotten, that people are walking alongside me through this rough journey. I can look out of my hospital room window and feel so isolated and wonder what everyone is up to out there in the big wide world. This can produce such a loss of perspective. I need reminding of the truth. We all need to be reminded of the truth. That's why I know the Lord describes the church as a body, because we all need each other to function at our fullest. Its often in the hard times that this becomes clearer.

These blogs are probably going to be a bit of a ramble at times since I'm really just wanting an outlet to express my thoughts. Since I began reading a book called One Thousand Gifts, I have been making more of an effort to be thankful. It seems the further I get through the book the more resistance I face in being thankful. Its like the temptation is to allow my circumstances to snuff out any ounce of thankfulness. I think I will start jotting down the things I am thankful - I wonder if I can get to a 1000 before I get out of this hospital?

1 - being in NZ as opposed to the States to receive free medical care
2 - Charlie and I are both healthy and safe
3 - I have a window bed with a view of the park
4 - I have a computer and internet
5 - I have the Lord
6 - a loving husband :)
7 - visiting friends who give me hand and foot massages!!!!


Dinner time now. I have a pile of pale mash awaiting me.

Our Baby

We had an ultrasound (done by Cody's Mum) the other day. We don't want to find out the sex so we were just there to have a look and to make sure the baby hasn't disappeared. Once I was there watching the baby move about I can't say I wasn't trying my hardest to spot something in between the legs. There were moments when I was convinced I had seen a 'hamburger' and then also moments when I was positive I had seen a wee 'sausage'. For some reason I was okay with stumbling upon the sex of the child 'accidentally' rather than deliberately. Discovering the mystery of the sex of our baby started to become a challenge and maybe it was like this for all of us there because I was being scanned for almost an hour! He or she just didn't want to show us. Oh well, I'm glad its still going to be a surprise.


When I first found out I was pregnant, Cody was away for a show. I tried calling him but he was in the middle of sound check and it was too loud to talk. So I ended up taking a picture of the pregnancy test stick, emailing it to him and then texting him to look at his emails.




I found it fun looking at Cody's and my baby photos and wondering what the mix of the two of us will produce. What will the child of a fiery sassy girl and a kind-hearted boy be like???

CODY.... what a cutie!!!!

Older brother, Lloyd and Cody

Rockstar in the making....

Cody off to school for the first time along with little sis Bets

OLIVIA....

Me with my Dad and Mum

Me, Jacob, Dad, James

Me with my older brother Jacob

Younger brother James

Me, James and cousin Billie

Not a pretty sight...I had a habit of doing this to strangers...like in the following photo

This is my response to a boy who splashed me

Grace For the Moment

I'm sitting in a Christian cafe in Rapid City, South Dakota trying hard to ignore the continual blast of (forgive me) terrible Christian music coming from the speaker above me. Cody is away for the morning working at the Harley Davidson rally. I don't think I ever would have imagined being here 2 years ago. We sure have been on a very long, interesting journey these last 8 months. I'm reminiscing about the adventures and changes that have taken place over this last year:

Cody and I get married in January in Christchurch, New Zealand (this seems like a decade ago). We move to Boise, Idaho 10 days later. We get legally married before a judge in a court. Two weeks later we pack as much of our belongings as we can into our hired Escort and take a 36 hour drive across the States to Charlotte, North Carolina. We are homeless for a few days until friends offer their condo to live in for an unknown amount of time. This condo was simply a dream place for a newly married couple to live and we were blessed to stay there for 4 months. My hometown experiences a 2nd massive earthquake centering a few kilometres from my parents home, this time killing about 170 people. I get pregnant. We move out of the condo into an insect-infested apartment. Cody and I take the green-card interview after a long immigration process and pass! We take a trip to California for a wedding, I drive 18 hours to Denver and meet Cody there a few days later since he had a show to perform. We stay with family in Denver and then drive to Rapid City, South Dakota where we have been for the last month and a half.

Throughout these months there has been a constant question mark over what we are doing and why we are in the place we are in. Nothing has really made much sense because its been one of those seasons where we want clear direction and probably easy circumstances to confirm the path we feel lead to take. But we seem to get neither. There have been battles with trying to find work so we have enough for food and rent. And then in the midst of this, I am going through a mini quarter life crisis because I have suddenly found myself uprooted from everything familiar and placed in the midst of total instability (from the outside), unable to replant myself because of this period of limbo. My identity has been stripped from all angles since everything I knew and thought I was seemed to be taken from me. I was working as a teacher, with a great supportive community of family and friends to suddenly someone with no job, no friends or family close by and no one who really knew me prior to becoming a married woman. I'm not saying any of this to have a pity party or to ask for sympathy, its more for myself to process and to help me see what God is doing. Trust me, I've had enough pity parties, meltdowns and tantrums to last me a lifetime and they never got me anywhere except amazement at how Cody can still love me in the midst of them. Sometimes I'm the most stubborn brat and won't want to let go but it'll only be a matter of time before I'm forced to since holding on just makes me more miserable.

Being in a different country definitely can be a challenge. Even though New Zealand and America are both Westernised countries, that does not mean the cultures are the same. For example its not fun to venture out of one self into unfamiliar territory and say something that may be considered funny back home only to receive a few smiles or at the most an attempted snigger in response. After experiencing a few similar situations like this a girl can start to lose a bit of self-esteem and question whether she has much of a personality at all. I'm sure ultimately all of this 'losing myself' stuff is good for me but in the process it sure is painful.

Cody does a great job at reminding me of what God is doing since I don't always see it - He is stripping me of false comforts and things that I found my identity in. Also, the foundational stuff that God is instilling in our relationship will over time prove to be invaluable. He wants me to find myself in Him only (not my job, not my family or friends, not my church, not my reputation not even Cody). I know in my heart He is definitely at work somewhere amongst all of this. I know I will see more sometime further down the track. I just pray that in spite of myself, I can still glean from what God had intended for me during this season. Because I think that I may have failed every 'test' that has come my way.

So right now I am preparing myself to become a Mama - well sort of, mostly just trying to find foods that I can eat that don't make me feel sick. I am slowly getting through a parenting book which is awesome (called Grace Based Parenting). I'm even doing "mama" type things like learning how to make bread, looking at baby clothes online...I guess that's about it for now, but it sure is a start! I am getting excited about heading home to have the little one, having my Mum and Dad around me while I get ready, and just being back in the comforts of my hometown. I know things will be different (not just the city landscape), but I am learning to accept that change will always be apart of life. I was recently emailing a friend back and forth and she was telling me what God had been teaching her in this season of her life and it really struck something in me. It is so simple yet so profound. God's grace is for the moment and the challenge is to rest in that and allow God's grace to envelop me, not to be too focused on looking ahead and getting outside of the Grace that He has to enable me for the NOW.