On the brink of motherhood

I have now been on rest mode for over 12 weeks and in hospital for one month and 2 days of that time. I never knew I would end up having a (generally) good attitude throughout this season which has surprisingly gone by pretty quickly. God has been with me. I have experienced His Grace firsthand in a very real way. Because knowing myself and how I imagined I would be is completely different to how I have found this experience. I definitely have had my meltdown moments where I would cope by considering discharging myself and releasing my sassy side on my family or hospital staff. I have gone through stages of disappointment and grief surrounding my first pregnancy experience, questioning God and wondering why this had to even happen in the first place, why prayers weren't answered and my placenta didn't move out the way...etc etc. It has forced me to be very honest before God. At times fears and worries have consumed me. But during such an intense roller coaster ride where the pressure is on and there is no where to hide, no distractions to bury myself in I am faced with a choice - turning to God and finding out if His Grace is truly enough to sustain me. I have found that it is. I have had no other choice but to lean on His strength when I am feeling broken, beyond myself with nothing left in me.

After being admitted to hospital knowing that I was going to be there until delivery day I became so scared at the idea of just waiting for the next bleed. This fear would come and go but would always be lingering in the back of my mind. So when the next two bleeds did come (on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day) I was surprised at how it actually went. My biggest worry was that it would happen when I was away from the hospital. I had leave for Christmas Day and so I was pleased that it happened before I left (even if that did mean missing out on Christmas). The circumstances surrounding it made it less scary than I had imagined it to be. Cody happened to be there, there was no need to panic since the amount wasn't huge and the staff that were on were really amazing. God cushioned me all the way. Christmas Day was a lot harder since the second bleed was bigger and the doctors presented us with the decision to deliver that day with them advising us to. Both Cody and I felt peace to hold off and we are so happy we did because it has now been 5 days with no bleeding! I now have my c-section date booked for next Wednesday the 4th of January with the possibility of it happening sooner. I am so pleased to say I will be 36.5 weeks by then, which is a long way to come from the first bleed at 23 weeks.

I have learnt so much during this time. I have felt so loved by my friends and family who continually come to visit me and cheer me up. I have seen the most amazing love shown by my husband who has been by my side every moment he can. I have seen how God has lead every step of the way. Although I didn't see any miracles regarding the position of the placenta moving, I know that God leading us to New Zealand when He did was a big enough miracle for me to dwell on forever. Had we stayed in the States like we had originally planned we would be up to our eyeballs in debt. Thank God for free healthcare! Next thing to face is the scary operation (which I'm trying to not think about)...and then motherhood!!!