On the brink of motherhood

I have now been on rest mode for over 12 weeks and in hospital for one month and 2 days of that time. I never knew I would end up having a (generally) good attitude throughout this season which has surprisingly gone by pretty quickly. God has been with me. I have experienced His Grace firsthand in a very real way. Because knowing myself and how I imagined I would be is completely different to how I have found this experience. I definitely have had my meltdown moments where I would cope by considering discharging myself and releasing my sassy side on my family or hospital staff. I have gone through stages of disappointment and grief surrounding my first pregnancy experience, questioning God and wondering why this had to even happen in the first place, why prayers weren't answered and my placenta didn't move out the way...etc etc. It has forced me to be very honest before God. At times fears and worries have consumed me. But during such an intense roller coaster ride where the pressure is on and there is no where to hide, no distractions to bury myself in I am faced with a choice - turning to God and finding out if His Grace is truly enough to sustain me. I have found that it is. I have had no other choice but to lean on His strength when I am feeling broken, beyond myself with nothing left in me.

After being admitted to hospital knowing that I was going to be there until delivery day I became so scared at the idea of just waiting for the next bleed. This fear would come and go but would always be lingering in the back of my mind. So when the next two bleeds did come (on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day) I was surprised at how it actually went. My biggest worry was that it would happen when I was away from the hospital. I had leave for Christmas Day and so I was pleased that it happened before I left (even if that did mean missing out on Christmas). The circumstances surrounding it made it less scary than I had imagined it to be. Cody happened to be there, there was no need to panic since the amount wasn't huge and the staff that were on were really amazing. God cushioned me all the way. Christmas Day was a lot harder since the second bleed was bigger and the doctors presented us with the decision to deliver that day with them advising us to. Both Cody and I felt peace to hold off and we are so happy we did because it has now been 5 days with no bleeding! I now have my c-section date booked for next Wednesday the 4th of January with the possibility of it happening sooner. I am so pleased to say I will be 36.5 weeks by then, which is a long way to come from the first bleed at 23 weeks.

I have learnt so much during this time. I have felt so loved by my friends and family who continually come to visit me and cheer me up. I have seen the most amazing love shown by my husband who has been by my side every moment he can. I have seen how God has lead every step of the way. Although I didn't see any miracles regarding the position of the placenta moving, I know that God leading us to New Zealand when He did was a big enough miracle for me to dwell on forever. Had we stayed in the States like we had originally planned we would be up to our eyeballs in debt. Thank God for free healthcare! Next thing to face is the scary operation (which I'm trying to not think about)...and then motherhood!!!

Day 6

Amazing friends giving the two pregnant gals hand and foot massages!!

Its interesting where life takes us. Life has never taken me to hospital...up until now. And now in its (recently) typically dramatic fashion, life has lead me to take up residence in hospital for at least 6 weeks. Since one of the challenges I face on a daily basis is to come up with ways to consume my time, I have decided to resort back to blogging as one thing to occupy myself with. Thank God for computers. I don't care about having to spend a bit of money to pay for the internet. I don't care that I am relying (probably too much) on being connected to the world through a computer. I am using anything I can...Facebook, emails, pinterest, online Christmas shopping, books, trashy magazines, my cousins hard-drive which contains almost 100 movies, journalling, texting, walking round the ward etc etc. Its funny the things that I would usually be monitoring more just goes flying out the window when my priority is just about getting through each day.

Family and friends have been so amazingly supportive. An appreciation for my loved ones has deepened so significantly through realising its the people connections that keep my head afloat. Having visitors come and go keep me sane. My husband is my rock and his strength, support and love never ceases to amaze me. Its in these hard times that one's character shines forth. I have to pinch myself sometimes because I can't believe I got to marry such an incredible man. My Mum and Dad will keep reminding me that all of this will be worth it when I am holding my baby boy. Each visitor brings their own gift by simply coming - a reminder that I haven't been forgotten, that people are walking alongside me through this rough journey. I can look out of my hospital room window and feel so isolated and wonder what everyone is up to out there in the big wide world. This can produce such a loss of perspective. I need reminding of the truth. We all need to be reminded of the truth. That's why I know the Lord describes the church as a body, because we all need each other to function at our fullest. Its often in the hard times that this becomes clearer.

These blogs are probably going to be a bit of a ramble at times since I'm really just wanting an outlet to express my thoughts. Since I began reading a book called One Thousand Gifts, I have been making more of an effort to be thankful. It seems the further I get through the book the more resistance I face in being thankful. Its like the temptation is to allow my circumstances to snuff out any ounce of thankfulness. I think I will start jotting down the things I am thankful - I wonder if I can get to a 1000 before I get out of this hospital?

1 - being in NZ as opposed to the States to receive free medical care
2 - Charlie and I are both healthy and safe
3 - I have a window bed with a view of the park
4 - I have a computer and internet
5 - I have the Lord
6 - a loving husband :)
7 - visiting friends who give me hand and foot massages!!!!


Dinner time now. I have a pile of pale mash awaiting me.