My Birth Story: Part 2

September 9th 2016

It was a few days before my due date when I felt the usual braxton hicks; they were just a little bit different.  It was a typical Friday night consisting of a movie and popcorn with Cody.  I was doing the usual interchange of positions between being on all fours and then lying on my side.  At this point in my pregnancy my wrists were sore and I had pregnancy-induced carpel tunnel (I wonder if this was brought on by being on all fours too much??).  I really didn't think much of the contractions since I'd read so many birth stories about pre-labour signs lasting for days.  We went to bed and I was awakened by period-like cramps around 4 am.  They weren't exactly painful, just uncomfortable enough to allow me to fall back to sleep.  I didn't think there was any reason to wake Cody so I just lay there until the boys woke up and needed breakfast.  I was a little nervous and excited.  I was ready to do this.  We had breakfast as a family and then I got the boys ready for their overnight stay at my parents' which had been previously arranged so that Cody and I could have time together before the baby arrived.  Mum arrived to collect the boys mid-morning, and as she was leaving she made a comment to Hudson, "say goodbye to Mama, this might be the last time you see her before your baby brother arrives".  This comment took me back and kind of annoyed me a little since I hadn't really considered that possibility and I didn't like the thought of other people having the expectation that the baby was going to be here soon when I could have days to go.  I was still assuming the contractions I had been experiencing off and on all morning were just pre-labour pains that could possibly come and go for days.  I texted my midwife to give her an update and she told me do things to keep distracted and to keep her in the loop throughout the day.  Looking back I think I was doing my best to guard myself from thinking that it could happen that day in case it went on for days.

Cody and I contemplated what to do for the day, we considered going into town, grabbing lunch and possibly a movie.  It was such a beautiful sunny Autumn day so we went for a walk in Hagley park.  While walking, I kept stopping every now and then to breathe through each contraction as it came.  There were so many people at the park making the most of the sunny day and I remember thinking to myself how funny it is that the people all around me have no idea that I'm in the early stages of labour.  It was nearing lunch so we decided to grab a bagel from a place in Addington.  We decided to skip the movies, the thought of being in a theatre while the labouring just made me anxious.  What if I went into active labour suddenly? I didn't have my hospital bag which had all my supplies such as essential oils, music playlist, Hypnobabies cue cards etc etc.  I wanted to get home by this stage and just get settled in my home environment.  The drive home was super uncomfortable.  It was hard not to get a little annoyed at my poor husband when he hit the many bumps in the roads.  This was an indicator that the contractions had become a little more intense.  They still felt manageable, but I was eager to get out of the car so I could get myself into a more comfortable position at home.  The contractions were definitely not going anywhere like I had thought.  Once we got home we decided to go for a walk on a pretty forest track near our house.  Every now and then I stopped and breathed through each contraction as it came.  My midwife texted me while on the walk and asked if I was comfortable if she went to the movies.  I text back saying that it was fine since I still felt like it was all pre-labour activity.  She said to text or call if anything started to pick up.  Once we arrived back home I found a spot on the floor with my knees on the ground and my elbows resting on the couch.  I remained in this position for most of the night.  Cody put a movie on as a distraction which I watched on and off in between contractions.  Not long after, I felt a gush of water.  It gave me such a fright that at first I didn't want to look down to see what it was, wondering at worst if it might have been my scar rupturing.  This was one of the bigger risks of a VBAC so I must have been carrying it in the back of my mind.  It was a huge relief to discover it was clear - my waters had broken!  When Cody saw that my waters had broken he started rushing round getting our things together in order to get going to the hospital.  I told him that I didn't think that you go to the hospital just because the waters had broken and that it didn't necessarily mean that the baby was near.  I told him to call the midwife even though she was still at the movies.  He spoke to her and described the situation and then handed the phone to me. I spoke to her in between the contractions and she told us to stay at home, keep doing what we're doing and keep her informed.  From the time my waters broke onwards I could tell there was a change and things were escalating.   Contractions came very regularly and increased in intensity.  With each contraction I lost more water.  Cody had my phone and kept entering my contractions into an app that I had downloaded (he liked helping in any way possible).  There was a point where I could not focus on anything except breathing through each contraction and I mostly kept my eyes closed which really helped block other things out.  Then the contractions really intensified.  The only way I can describe it was like being in one gear and as it intensified there was a shift to the next gear and just when I thought/hoped that it might be the end of the contraction it then shifted into the next gear. I started to writhe with it to get through. It felt like it would never end.  I found out later that Cody noticed a change in me during this moment and wondered if it was going to be too late to get to the hospital. So he decided to call the midwife to describe what was happening.  He recalled me telling him something, which was that often when a woman says she can't take anymore, 'transition' is taking place and the end is near.  After speaking to her he told me she was on her way.  This was about 7:30, 3 hours after my waters had broken and when I would describe the 'active' labour phase beginning.  The midwife arrived around 8:00 pm. I mostly had my eyes closed the whole time as I was in a zone I did not want interrupted, so Cody was the one speaking with her.  She told me that she wanted to take me into my bedroom to check how dilated I was.  I remember feeling a bit panicky about the thought of moving into a different room and position.  I was confident in the position I was in since I had experienced being in this spot for the last few hours.  But her and Cody helped me into the room.  I laid down while she examined me.  She didn't say anything at first, maybe she was weighing up options before she told us how many cm I was.  So when she told me that I was fully dilated, I was shocked.  I was not expecting to be told that at all.  Right then fear rushed in, the thought of having to drive to the hospital which was 25 minutes away freaked me out.  All I knew was that I absolutely did not want to.  There were a few minutes where I could tell the midwife was really thinking about what the best option was and she had some words with Cody too.  She then decided that staying home was safest since there was a high risk that I could have the baby in the car if the pushing stage didn't last long.  She told me if there was any problem or if I felt uncomfortable about this, an ambulance was only a phone call away.  She said she'll need to call her back-up midwife to be present since that was standard practise for home births.  I felt completely at peace about staying home.  There was a real grace to go forward in this direction.  Had anyone told me before the birth that I would have the baby at home I would have not been okay with this.  As much as I liked the idea of a home birth, it was enough just thinking of attempting a natural birth in a hospital setting. I remember watching some home births on YouTube when I was pregnant and all of the ones I watched seemed so peaceful and calm.  They actually changed my opinion on home births and I found myself desiring one if it was less risky.  I put that out of my mind since it wasn't really an option for me.  It was safest to birth at the hospital because of my history and because we lived outside of Christchurch and I was happy with that.  My midwife wanted me to try going pee in the toilet, once again I hated the thought of moving again but her and Cody helped me to the bathroom.  I really didn't like standing while having contractions; maybe I felt less in control.  I tried peeing but I just couldn't,  so I was helped back to the bedroom.   I remember the midwife asking if I had felt any urges to push yet.  This kind of shocked me that I was so close to the pushing stage.  I think the reality of what was happening kind of hit me.   I said that I wasn't sure, but then shortly after a contraction came where I felt a slight need to push.  The next one came, and with this I couldn't help but push.  I remember within each contraction I got two huge pushes and then a smaller push.  This seemed to be the pattern with each one. Not long after I started pushing (I was on all fours on the ground near the bed) Cody grabbed me and sat me on his knees facing him so that my legs widened up and my butt was in between his thighs (excuse these visual descriptions, but I'm thinking that anyone who's persevered this far doesn't mind these details).  This intuition he had was truly amazing and I wouldn't have thought to do this myself but it completely opened my pelvis up and felt so much better.  I was able to lean on him and grab his arms for leverage.  He later told me that he just had the thought that it would be a better position and acted on it.  He told me it was nice for him to be used and involved.  I kept pushing and pushing with each contraction for what seemed like a very long time. I felt so exhausted and I kept asking how many more pushes to go, even though I knew that they wouldn't be able to tell me this.  The power that overcame me to push shocked me, it was the most intense uncontrollable feeling I've ever had.   This could be TMI but very similar to pushing out a poo times a hundred.  By now, both midwives were there and kept encouraging me and saying how amazing I was doing.  I can't overemphasise the power these encouraging words had on me.  They really really helped especially in my moments of wondering how much more of this there would be.  There were a couple of times when I could tell the two midwives were quietly speaking together which would throw me a little.  I asked them what was happening when they did this. I didn't like the thought of them knowing something that I didn't.  After what seemed like forever, the midwife said she could see the head.  She even took a photo of it with her phone to show me.  I've seen pictures like that before but its a little surreal when you can see your own vagina stretched to a disturbingly large size.  Then after a few more pushes she said theres probably only one or two more pushes and he'll be out.  I was a little nervous for what was to come since I'd read so much about "the ring of fire" being one of the most painful parts of birth.  When that point came I do remember thinking that it wasn't as bad as I'd imagined it to be.  In that moment those were the sweetest words I could ever have heard.  I really gave it my all in the next contraction and the midwife said that the head is right there and to sort of keep pushing to hold it there while waiting for the next contraction so that it doesn't retreat back in.   I did just that and with the next contraction out he came.  Cody caught him with the help of the midwife.  Right then the midwife put a needle into my thigh and tugged on the cord, and before I knew what was happening, out came the placenta.  It surprised me that the third stage of giving birth was already over since I had read a few awful descriptions about the placenta coming out.  I fell back onto my bed, the sense of joy and relief mixed with the exhaustion was overwhelming.  I was surprised by how much I just wanted to lie down even more than my anticipation to hold my baby.  It wasn't that I didn't want to see him but since I knew he was in safe hands I just needed a moment to catch my breath.  When I caught a glimpse of him I got a bit of a shock to see a huge lump on the side of his head.   My immediate thought was "oh my gosh, he has a growth on his head" which I kept relaying.  My midwife laughed and reassured me that it was very normal and it just showed that he was a little stuck and came out with a cone head on the side which was probably the reason why the pushing stage took 2 hours.  He was born at 10:02pm on the 10th of September.  My body then went into shock and started to shake uncontrollably which lasted about two hours.  While I was lying back on the bed, the midwife examined me and told me I had a small tear.  She said she could stitch it up but also gave me the option to leave it since she thought it was small enough that it would heal by itself.  I immediately opted to leave it since the thought of anything like a needle going near that area was the last thing I wanted.  Once Cody cut the chord and placed baby boy (we still hadn't figured out a name) in my arms while I rested in this bubble of surreal joy and relief.  From this point on it's all a little bit blurry.  I just remember a hub of activity going on around me with the midwives and Cody cleaning up the mess, making me toast and tea, midwives writing up notes and doing some checks on baby boy.  The toast I ate had never tasted better.  The midwives weighed him in at 8 lb 4 ounces and he was 54.5 cm in length. Around midnight I was helped to the bathroom to have a shower which felt incredible to get clean.  The midwives left shortly after this.  Cody and I didn't get to sleep until around 4am, we were going to bask in this moment for as long as possible.  Cody skyped his family in the States and told them all about our spontaneous home birth that we had just experienced.

It wasn't until the following morning when we decided on the name Jimmy Cade.  We spent the morning joyfully taking in each incredible moment with our new baby and discussing in awe the unfolding details of the previous night.  The cry of my heart was heard and answered in a way I never even imagined and I am so thankful for this beautiful miracle birth.  I am so thankful for my midwife who supported me so well throughout the pregnancy and then was such an encouragement during the labour.

my not so gluten-free, sugar-free, dairy-free, grain-free, nut-free, raw, vegan life

Disclaimer: I am in no way slamming those that choose to lead a 'clean-eating' lifestyle.  In fact, I admire it wholeheartedly and am on my own journey towards maintaining a cleaner and healthier diet. I understand there are many cases where people are forced to dramatically change their diet for medical reasons. This is simply a testimony aiming to laugh at the mistakes I have made whilst fumbling through this area.

I have a tendency to be attracted to every idealistic way of living (that falls within my moral framework).  Like most attributes, this has its strengths and weaknesses.  I understand the good sides but for the sake of this post I will mostly be highlighting the not-so-good.  I tend to create a very high standard for myself in all areas of my life and therefore can identify well with the feeling of 'falling short'.   Why is it when I reduce life to a bunch of formulas, my nature is to passionately embrace them (at first) but then to eventually recoil from them? Lets cut to the chase.

To some extent, health and nutrition has always captured my interest, yet it has been in the past year that my level of intrigue has risen.  I remember in my early 20s I would aim to resist the dreaded fats like chocolate and butter yet would have no qualms about indulging in a giant size bag of sugary sweets.    Fast forward and my views on health and what that practically looks like have dramatically changed.  I am genuinely interested in natural health and enjoy learning about new ways to do things,  however this interest can also lead me astray.  Through my explorations I have discovered a huge community of people out there whose lives seem to revolve around meeting the highest level of nourishment possible from every bite that enters their mouth.  They would describe themselves as 'clean eaters' which could accompany all sorts of definitions such as sugar-free, dairy-free, gluten-free, grain-free, 100 % organic etc etc.  My desire to provide my family with healthy food as well as other personal health factors has pushed me in this direction.  Unfortunately these factors have at times pushed me into the grasps of fear.  "Eat this so you can avoid this disease....don't eat that so you can avoid that ailment."  And this is a place I do not want to operate from.  At times, my husband will find me turning into one big ball of knots as I am glued to my iPad googling all kinds of views on natural health and nutrition.  I have found myself despairing over not being able to afford a completely organic diet or certain products that someone has emphatically recommended, or that a certain something isn't available in New Zealand and so on and so forth.  I despair when I can't maintain a level of perfection that meets my standard of living.  "Waaaaa why did I just eat that?!?! Where has your level of discipline gone?" I know my thinking to some of you is probably flat out ridiculous and some of you won't be able to relate to this kind of thing at all.  Trust me, I have my moments of embarressment toward my set of struggles and have to tell myself to relax and not take everything so seriously.  At times I realise ironically that my pursuit of health has slowly become not so healthy.  This passion has now become the root of my pain.  It is STRESSFUL!!! In this world of health there are rules for everything.  Do not use sunscreen (you can make your own natural stuff that is less laden with chemicals), use only glass and avoid plastics, do not buy canned foods, cook with this oil, but not that, take this supplement but only use this brand (which happens to be a trillion times more expensive than all the rest), don't wear the toxic purfume or make-up, eat raw dairy, only buy honey that used heat in the process etc ETC!!!! I could go on and on.  I know, I know I have my moments when I regret even starting this journey since I do recognise the truth in the saying 'ignorance is bliss'.

We live in a world full of do's and don'ts which are most often deep-rooted in fears and even as a christian it is so easy to adopt these without realising it.  I don't want fear to be my motivator for the way I live and I know I am not called to this.  So where does God stand in all of this?  As a christian I want to involve God in every area of my life including this one.  Knowledge isn't the enemy here so I don't think the answer is to 'throw the baby out with the bath water'.  I know that I get myself wrapped up in a knot when I haven't turned to the Author of truth (on every subject) first.  Instead I look to the google god.   I assume that I know what is best for me and my family and create my own set of rules and standards that are simply unattainable.  I have a picture of knowledge as a weighty sword and it is only through His grace that I will be able to have the strength to wield it.  It is from His voice that I want to live from so that when I do wield this sword it will be because the command has come from His mouth.  This is where the peace lies and the fretting dissipates.  The commands that fear dictate result in a burdened, uptight and fearful mother.  This means that there will be a time to employ google and a time to refrain.  I want my children to have fond memories of their mother as someone who was full of life and joy.    It comes back to trust.  Trust that God has my family's health in His hands.  A part in Ann Voskamp's book One Thousand Gifts has always stuck with me is when she talks about grace filling the gaps.  Since I enjoy learning about natural health I will remain on this journey.  All the while turning to God and trusting His leading, knowing that when I do mess up or I simply don't know the answer I can trust that God's grace is big enough to fill those gaps.

a different approach - part 1

Its 8.15 am, I've been up for almost 2 hours and for some reason I woke up with a cloud over me.  Some days just seem heavier, the negative thoughts seem stickier and those many areas in my life that are unsorted simply seem one big mess. 

I am not going to give in though.  I will try a new approach.  I will focus on my boy and the joys and blessings he brings me. I am going to choose to embrace and rejoice in the place God has me and focus on loving my son. 

I know there are a million things I probably need to think about sorting but most of them can wait.  Seriously, when I look into his adorable face those nasty negative thoughts really do start to diminish. 

So here's my plan:  I will fill my day by documenting the moments I have with him. To treasure forever...  Just another way to 'give thanks in all things'.  This is going to be fun.  Here is my first video of Charles...

the art of letting go

This will now be my third attempt to compose my latest blog post and this time I'm hoping to get it to the point where I can hit the 'publish' button.

Life at the moment is very much wrapped up in being a Mum to wee Charles.  Week days have a fairly similar pattern to them.   So even though life has slowed down in some respects, the lessons I am learning seem very poignant and I'm sure will prove to be a solid foundation for the long journey of motherhood ahead of me.   This beginning phase has brought with it a new set of challenges which are definitely exposing some areas in need of a transformational touch.  I'd like to share a few of my thoughts on what the Lord seems to be revealing to me in this season.

Most days when I wake up my mind starts to buzz with a gazillion things I want to achieve.   Once I've fed Charles and seen Cody off to work I get my whiteboard out to write my to-do list.   I simply love it when things go according to my plans and expectations for the day.  It gives me a delicious sense of security and worth as I tick each item off.   At the end of the day I strategically place my whiteboard where I know Cody will see it just so I can hear him say "My! You got a lot done! What a perfect wife and mother you are" (I don't really do this...Ok, Ive done it once and it didn't even work).   The culture we live in is so performance-oriented and achievement-driven that its no wonder I approach my life in this way (without fully being aware of it until recently).    It comes down to the desire to be in control of everything.  Its a tiring cycle to get stuck in.   I am learning the art of letting go (emphasis on the learning).   I don't think the answer lies in not writing a list and not getting anything done but in something deeper.  My hurried approach to life dulls my awareness of how my controlling nature spills over into the daily tasks.  I am learning to slow down and recognise the moments in my day where I need to let go and simply embrace. Its not a big deal if I don't get everything done that I intended.  So what if Charlie is going through yet another phase of change - yes it throws me, frustrates me...but at some point I have to let it go (note to self: next time this happens, don't waste hours on the internet trying to work it out).   The standards and expectations I place on myself are often unrealistic and the effect can be crippling.   It is the not the path to freedom, the freedom that God promises but so few of us get to experience.  God Himself does not hold up a standard and expect His children to reach it so who am I to do the same.  How awesome is it that He loves me just as I am, not for what I can do.  Understanding who God is and His heart toward me is key in learning this.  He is gentle and meek, it is only me who is hard on myself.  Like the saying goes - I am my own worst enemy.  

In the past there have been challenging seasons where I have come to the end of myself and have been faced with the necessity to let go of the things that I can not control.  I think this is a constant challenge and in some ways it is easier to acknowledge this need when our circumstances highlight our own weaknesses and need for the Lord.   This truth seems to be even more of a theme in my life since little Charles entered this world -  I am not only tempted to take control of my own life but now another little being whom the Lord has given me the responsibility of stewarding.  I want to understand the importance of recognising the areas I can't control (such as another human being) and letting them go into the Lord's hands.  I'm sure there will be many opportunities to practice this along the path of parenthood. 

God is giving me the choice, daily, to get rid of the expectations and burdens I heap on myself and to come to Him.  To shed the burdens I place on myself and take His yoke and burden, which is easy and light.  To learn from Him because (unlike myself) He is so gentle toward me.   Learning this truth leads me to more and more freedom; something that can only be found in Him.

Here is a great portion taken from a book I read recently:

“Humbly let go. Let go of trying to do, let go of trying to control, let go of my own way, let go of my own fears. Let God blow His wind, His trials, oxygen for joy's fire. Leave the hand open and be. Be at peace. Bend the knee and be small and let God give what God chooses to give because He only gives love and whisper a surprised thanks. This is the fuel for joy's flame. Fullness of joy is discovered only in the emptying of will. And I can empty. I can empty because counting His graces has awakened me to how He cherishes me, holds me, passionately values me. I can empty because I am full of His love. I can trust.”

Ann Voskamp (taken from 'One Thousand Gifts')

Life

I've just put Charles down for a nap - I can hear him talking to himself as he slips into sleep. I love this. I love him. So so so much. People told me how much I would love this boy when he was in my belly and I believed them but I never really felt it. I feel it now. Sometimes overwhelmingly so. It sure was worth all the scariness I had to go through to get him. The bleeding, the bedrest, the long hospital stay, the c-section seems so far behind me. God carried me through it all. Often during that whole experience I wondered if I would ever feel like having number 2. Already I find myself wondering...but for now it won't be going further than wonders. Although I've had my post-birth moments when I questioned why so many people end up with more than one child - I think this came out of the fogginess of sleep deprivation.

Charlie and I went for a walk this morning. It was so beautiful with a view of the ocean and the city - and no wind. I love the ...

Fast forward 3 hours...

I'm back at the start of the cycle: nap number 3, attempt number 2. Why is it that there are days that are way more unpredictable than others? Charles usually has great day naps. Today just happens to be a day where he doesn't want to nap. And today happens to be the day that I am motivated to get lots done. I was all inspired and wrote a list of things to do...start blogging again, bake, prepare dinner, pilates...and I didn't get to tick one thing off - Actually, I did start blogging again! Oh well at least I had some fun with my babe. I'll try achieve the other things tomorrow.

On the brink of motherhood

I have now been on rest mode for over 12 weeks and in hospital for one month and 2 days of that time. I never knew I would end up having a (generally) good attitude throughout this season which has surprisingly gone by pretty quickly. God has been with me. I have experienced His Grace firsthand in a very real way. Because knowing myself and how I imagined I would be is completely different to how I have found this experience. I definitely have had my meltdown moments where I would cope by considering discharging myself and releasing my sassy side on my family or hospital staff. I have gone through stages of disappointment and grief surrounding my first pregnancy experience, questioning God and wondering why this had to even happen in the first place, why prayers weren't answered and my placenta didn't move out the way...etc etc. It has forced me to be very honest before God. At times fears and worries have consumed me. But during such an intense roller coaster ride where the pressure is on and there is no where to hide, no distractions to bury myself in I am faced with a choice - turning to God and finding out if His Grace is truly enough to sustain me. I have found that it is. I have had no other choice but to lean on His strength when I am feeling broken, beyond myself with nothing left in me.

After being admitted to hospital knowing that I was going to be there until delivery day I became so scared at the idea of just waiting for the next bleed. This fear would come and go but would always be lingering in the back of my mind. So when the next two bleeds did come (on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day) I was surprised at how it actually went. My biggest worry was that it would happen when I was away from the hospital. I had leave for Christmas Day and so I was pleased that it happened before I left (even if that did mean missing out on Christmas). The circumstances surrounding it made it less scary than I had imagined it to be. Cody happened to be there, there was no need to panic since the amount wasn't huge and the staff that were on were really amazing. God cushioned me all the way. Christmas Day was a lot harder since the second bleed was bigger and the doctors presented us with the decision to deliver that day with them advising us to. Both Cody and I felt peace to hold off and we are so happy we did because it has now been 5 days with no bleeding! I now have my c-section date booked for next Wednesday the 4th of January with the possibility of it happening sooner. I am so pleased to say I will be 36.5 weeks by then, which is a long way to come from the first bleed at 23 weeks.

I have learnt so much during this time. I have felt so loved by my friends and family who continually come to visit me and cheer me up. I have seen the most amazing love shown by my husband who has been by my side every moment he can. I have seen how God has lead every step of the way. Although I didn't see any miracles regarding the position of the placenta moving, I know that God leading us to New Zealand when He did was a big enough miracle for me to dwell on forever. Had we stayed in the States like we had originally planned we would be up to our eyeballs in debt. Thank God for free healthcare! Next thing to face is the scary operation (which I'm trying to not think about)...and then motherhood!!!