my not so gluten-free, sugar-free, dairy-free, grain-free, nut-free, raw, vegan life

Disclaimer: I am in no way slamming those that choose to lead a 'clean-eating' lifestyle.  In fact, I admire it wholeheartedly and am on my own journey towards maintaining a cleaner and healthier diet. I understand there are many cases where people are forced to dramatically change their diet for medical reasons. This is simply a testimony aiming to laugh at the mistakes I have made whilst fumbling through this area.

I have a tendency to be attracted to every idealistic way of living (that falls within my moral framework).  Like most attributes, this has its strengths and weaknesses.  I understand the good sides but for the sake of this post I will mostly be highlighting the not-so-good.  I tend to create a very high standard for myself in all areas of my life and therefore can identify well with the feeling of 'falling short'.   Why is it when I reduce life to a bunch of formulas, my nature is to passionately embrace them (at first) but then to eventually recoil from them? Lets cut to the chase.

To some extent, health and nutrition has always captured my interest, yet it has been in the past year that my level of intrigue has risen.  I remember in my early 20s I would aim to resist the dreaded fats like chocolate and butter yet would have no qualms about indulging in a giant size bag of sugary sweets.    Fast forward and my views on health and what that practically looks like have dramatically changed.  I am genuinely interested in natural health and enjoy learning about new ways to do things,  however this interest can also lead me astray.  Through my explorations I have discovered a huge community of people out there whose lives seem to revolve around meeting the highest level of nourishment possible from every bite that enters their mouth.  They would describe themselves as 'clean eaters' which could accompany all sorts of definitions such as sugar-free, dairy-free, gluten-free, grain-free, 100 % organic etc etc.  My desire to provide my family with healthy food as well as other personal health factors has pushed me in this direction.  Unfortunately these factors have at times pushed me into the grasps of fear.  "Eat this so you can avoid this disease....don't eat that so you can avoid that ailment."  And this is a place I do not want to operate from.  At times, my husband will find me turning into one big ball of knots as I am glued to my iPad googling all kinds of views on natural health and nutrition.  I have found myself despairing over not being able to afford a completely organic diet or certain products that someone has emphatically recommended, or that a certain something isn't available in New Zealand and so on and so forth.  I despair when I can't maintain a level of perfection that meets my standard of living.  "Waaaaa why did I just eat that?!?! Where has your level of discipline gone?" I know my thinking to some of you is probably flat out ridiculous and some of you won't be able to relate to this kind of thing at all.  Trust me, I have my moments of embarressment toward my set of struggles and have to tell myself to relax and not take everything so seriously.  At times I realise ironically that my pursuit of health has slowly become not so healthy.  This passion has now become the root of my pain.  It is STRESSFUL!!! In this world of health there are rules for everything.  Do not use sunscreen (you can make your own natural stuff that is less laden with chemicals), use only glass and avoid plastics, do not buy canned foods, cook with this oil, but not that, take this supplement but only use this brand (which happens to be a trillion times more expensive than all the rest), don't wear the toxic purfume or make-up, eat raw dairy, only buy honey that used heat in the process etc ETC!!!! I could go on and on.  I know, I know I have my moments when I regret even starting this journey since I do recognise the truth in the saying 'ignorance is bliss'.

We live in a world full of do's and don'ts which are most often deep-rooted in fears and even as a christian it is so easy to adopt these without realising it.  I don't want fear to be my motivator for the way I live and I know I am not called to this.  So where does God stand in all of this?  As a christian I want to involve God in every area of my life including this one.  Knowledge isn't the enemy here so I don't think the answer is to 'throw the baby out with the bath water'.  I know that I get myself wrapped up in a knot when I haven't turned to the Author of truth (on every subject) first.  Instead I look to the google god.   I assume that I know what is best for me and my family and create my own set of rules and standards that are simply unattainable.  I have a picture of knowledge as a weighty sword and it is only through His grace that I will be able to have the strength to wield it.  It is from His voice that I want to live from so that when I do wield this sword it will be because the command has come from His mouth.  This is where the peace lies and the fretting dissipates.  The commands that fear dictate result in a burdened, uptight and fearful mother.  This means that there will be a time to employ google and a time to refrain.  I want my children to have fond memories of their mother as someone who was full of life and joy.    It comes back to trust.  Trust that God has my family's health in His hands.  A part in Ann Voskamp's book One Thousand Gifts has always stuck with me is when she talks about grace filling the gaps.  Since I enjoy learning about natural health I will remain on this journey.  All the while turning to God and trusting His leading, knowing that when I do mess up or I simply don't know the answer I can trust that God's grace is big enough to fill those gaps.

the art of letting go

This will now be my third attempt to compose my latest blog post and this time I'm hoping to get it to the point where I can hit the 'publish' button.

Life at the moment is very much wrapped up in being a Mum to wee Charles.  Week days have a fairly similar pattern to them.   So even though life has slowed down in some respects, the lessons I am learning seem very poignant and I'm sure will prove to be a solid foundation for the long journey of motherhood ahead of me.   This beginning phase has brought with it a new set of challenges which are definitely exposing some areas in need of a transformational touch.  I'd like to share a few of my thoughts on what the Lord seems to be revealing to me in this season.

Most days when I wake up my mind starts to buzz with a gazillion things I want to achieve.   Once I've fed Charles and seen Cody off to work I get my whiteboard out to write my to-do list.   I simply love it when things go according to my plans and expectations for the day.  It gives me a delicious sense of security and worth as I tick each item off.   At the end of the day I strategically place my whiteboard where I know Cody will see it just so I can hear him say "My! You got a lot done! What a perfect wife and mother you are" (I don't really do this...Ok, Ive done it once and it didn't even work).   The culture we live in is so performance-oriented and achievement-driven that its no wonder I approach my life in this way (without fully being aware of it until recently).    It comes down to the desire to be in control of everything.  Its a tiring cycle to get stuck in.   I am learning the art of letting go (emphasis on the learning).   I don't think the answer lies in not writing a list and not getting anything done but in something deeper.  My hurried approach to life dulls my awareness of how my controlling nature spills over into the daily tasks.  I am learning to slow down and recognise the moments in my day where I need to let go and simply embrace. Its not a big deal if I don't get everything done that I intended.  So what if Charlie is going through yet another phase of change - yes it throws me, frustrates me...but at some point I have to let it go (note to self: next time this happens, don't waste hours on the internet trying to work it out).   The standards and expectations I place on myself are often unrealistic and the effect can be crippling.   It is the not the path to freedom, the freedom that God promises but so few of us get to experience.  God Himself does not hold up a standard and expect His children to reach it so who am I to do the same.  How awesome is it that He loves me just as I am, not for what I can do.  Understanding who God is and His heart toward me is key in learning this.  He is gentle and meek, it is only me who is hard on myself.  Like the saying goes - I am my own worst enemy.  

In the past there have been challenging seasons where I have come to the end of myself and have been faced with the necessity to let go of the things that I can not control.  I think this is a constant challenge and in some ways it is easier to acknowledge this need when our circumstances highlight our own weaknesses and need for the Lord.   This truth seems to be even more of a theme in my life since little Charles entered this world -  I am not only tempted to take control of my own life but now another little being whom the Lord has given me the responsibility of stewarding.  I want to understand the importance of recognising the areas I can't control (such as another human being) and letting them go into the Lord's hands.  I'm sure there will be many opportunities to practice this along the path of parenthood. 

God is giving me the choice, daily, to get rid of the expectations and burdens I heap on myself and to come to Him.  To shed the burdens I place on myself and take His yoke and burden, which is easy and light.  To learn from Him because (unlike myself) He is so gentle toward me.   Learning this truth leads me to more and more freedom; something that can only be found in Him.

Here is a great portion taken from a book I read recently:

“Humbly let go. Let go of trying to do, let go of trying to control, let go of my own way, let go of my own fears. Let God blow His wind, His trials, oxygen for joy's fire. Leave the hand open and be. Be at peace. Bend the knee and be small and let God give what God chooses to give because He only gives love and whisper a surprised thanks. This is the fuel for joy's flame. Fullness of joy is discovered only in the emptying of will. And I can empty. I can empty because counting His graces has awakened me to how He cherishes me, holds me, passionately values me. I can empty because I am full of His love. I can trust.”

Ann Voskamp (taken from 'One Thousand Gifts')

Created to create

Time to write again. I shouldn't leave it so long to blog. Its those pesky thoughts that always stop me from starting things I really love to do. I find it so therapeutic making myself dive deep inside what can sometimes feel like the messiness of life to try and make sense of everything. And when I do, I always resurface with some nugget of truth that is so beautifully simple and uncomplicated. Blogging seems to help me make sense of what God is doing.

God just doesn't stop working is us. I am astounded at the never-ending lessons there are to learn in life, no matter what circumstances you find yourself in. There never will be a point of arrival when we can say to ourselves "I've done it, I think I look enough like Christ, I'm just gonna sit back and enjoy these last years on earth". The cool thing is that life would be so boring if we weren't being continually challenged and changed.

God's breathing life into areas that have been seemingly dead for quite a number of years. This sounds great (and it is) but it can also be a bit scary. The main one is in the area of creativity. I have always loved to create. I just get overwhelmed at how to go about it. There seems to be so much that gets in the way....So, often I just won't do anything. This has been my attitude for a looooooong time. As a wee girl I always had a project on the go but after ignoring this part of me for so many years and taking life so seriously during my time at University and Grad School, it seemed like it shriveled up and died. I am in a phase which is totally conducive to allowing those things to come alive again. And that is exactly what God seems to be doing. It has been a battle to get to this point. I just couldn't seem to get myself to really start anything because of fears of failing and the possibility of discovering that I really wasn't very creative after all. In my heart I know this is ridiculous, I should be doing these things simply because I enjoy doing them, and I shouldn't take it so seriously. There is this ugly perfectionist monster in me that enjoys raising its unwelcome head to stifle and shut out the desire inside me to create.

My amazing husband who is always encouraging me told me to simply start. Get out the paper and paints, put some music on and use my gifts (doesn't matter how good/bad I think they are) as an act of faith and worship towards God. Somehow, this doesn't seem so daunting. No standard to reach, no result to obtain, no judgments being made. So I am taking baby steps toward allowing this part of me to come alive by acting on it despite my thoughts and feelings. So, I have started making cards. I got my paints out and begun painting. I got my drawing pencils out and their nice sharp tips are actually becoming a bit blunt! I don't even know if I like what I'm creating, but I know I am enjoying the process. I love getting so wrapped up and focused on what I am doing that I forget about everything else. It feels like I come alive and that has to be a good thing. I feel like everyone is a creator in one way or another. It can seem like there are so many obstacles that lie in the path of creativity. I feel like letting go is a major key to enjoying the freedom we have to create. I'm thankful I have a God that leads me and points me in the direction toward finding joy and fulfillment in creating...just like Him. After all, we are created in His image.

Some things I have started to do...




These things we did awhile back when I had a small spurt of inspiration...




An example of some spilled frustration...


My teacherness coming through with an interactive method of choosing a date:

still His little girl

I had started out writing this post on the seasons of life, the importance of seasons and what I am learning about them... I stopped and deleted it all. Its not that I don't think that stuff is important but it was too intense for the mood I was in. If you're anything like me I'm sure you have at times felt the heaviness of life. I can tend to look at everything through a very analytical lense, weighing the spiritual significance of it all. Haha no, hopefully I'm not that bad.

There is something about the times that we are living in right now that strongly pulls me toward seeing everything in such a serious light. Earthquakes, tsunamis, prophecies of destruction leading to calls for stern vigilance in our times with the Lord. Don't get me wrong, this is important and I am not against it...but this isn't my point. I don't want terror and fear to be what propels me toward the Lord. I want to seek Him always. I want to know Him more. I want to know more of His love toward myself and the rest of humankind and of course have a healthy dose of the fear of the Lord. But I don't mean the kind of worldly fear that takes very little discernment to observe there is enough of this all around us. I know the challenge to keep our hearts untroubled has definitely increased by the many troubles that surround us. Yet Jesus' words remain the same "Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in Me". God is so graciously showing me the areas in my life where I have allowed my peace to come from things in this world and is leading me to see that true peace comes from Him. "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." Reaching this state seems absurdly impossible while observing the state of everything around us. It can only be the work of an all-loving, Almighty, Supernatural Father.

I can at times get a little overwhelmed at life and all that goes on in this world and feel like I should be doing more. Especially so when I remind myself that I am a responsible adult with a ring on my finger, debt, bills to pay etc...which I can tend to forget often (luckily I'm married to someone who's slightly more responsible). Its funny but I still feel like that knotty-haired, thumb-sucking little girl . In fact, sometimes it feels like nothing much has changed since I was a little girl...except my external appearance and behaviour. For example, I have learned to speak with more eloquence (I hope), I monitor what comes out of my mouth more (most of the time), I control my behaviour more etc etc. But what goes on internally hasn't changed too much. I still feel shy and nervous in some settings, I have worries and fears that cry out for a soothing word from a comforting voice, I get hurt when it seems like someone doesn't want to play with me (or meet me for a coffee rather), my heart is thrilled at the sight of fairy lights, pretty butterflies and puppies, I still wish that animals would talk to me and that I could fly with a little help of some pixie dust (some things I have let go...). Although I am in a season of transitions, change and growing up, paradoxically I am also learning to become more childlike before the Lord. I want to continually remain in His peace, love and joy despite the world around me. I still need to be able to see God in the silence, stillness and beauty of a sunrise, as well as the ferociousness of the storm. Otherwise I will go crazy.