Grace For the Moment

I'm sitting in a Christian cafe in Rapid City, South Dakota trying hard to ignore the continual blast of (forgive me) terrible Christian music coming from the speaker above me. Cody is away for the morning working at the Harley Davidson rally. I don't think I ever would have imagined being here 2 years ago. We sure have been on a very long, interesting journey these last 8 months. I'm reminiscing about the adventures and changes that have taken place over this last year:

Cody and I get married in January in Christchurch, New Zealand (this seems like a decade ago). We move to Boise, Idaho 10 days later. We get legally married before a judge in a court. Two weeks later we pack as much of our belongings as we can into our hired Escort and take a 36 hour drive across the States to Charlotte, North Carolina. We are homeless for a few days until friends offer their condo to live in for an unknown amount of time. This condo was simply a dream place for a newly married couple to live and we were blessed to stay there for 4 months. My hometown experiences a 2nd massive earthquake centering a few kilometres from my parents home, this time killing about 170 people. I get pregnant. We move out of the condo into an insect-infested apartment. Cody and I take the green-card interview after a long immigration process and pass! We take a trip to California for a wedding, I drive 18 hours to Denver and meet Cody there a few days later since he had a show to perform. We stay with family in Denver and then drive to Rapid City, South Dakota where we have been for the last month and a half.

Throughout these months there has been a constant question mark over what we are doing and why we are in the place we are in. Nothing has really made much sense because its been one of those seasons where we want clear direction and probably easy circumstances to confirm the path we feel lead to take. But we seem to get neither. There have been battles with trying to find work so we have enough for food and rent. And then in the midst of this, I am going through a mini quarter life crisis because I have suddenly found myself uprooted from everything familiar and placed in the midst of total instability (from the outside), unable to replant myself because of this period of limbo. My identity has been stripped from all angles since everything I knew and thought I was seemed to be taken from me. I was working as a teacher, with a great supportive community of family and friends to suddenly someone with no job, no friends or family close by and no one who really knew me prior to becoming a married woman. I'm not saying any of this to have a pity party or to ask for sympathy, its more for myself to process and to help me see what God is doing. Trust me, I've had enough pity parties, meltdowns and tantrums to last me a lifetime and they never got me anywhere except amazement at how Cody can still love me in the midst of them. Sometimes I'm the most stubborn brat and won't want to let go but it'll only be a matter of time before I'm forced to since holding on just makes me more miserable.

Being in a different country definitely can be a challenge. Even though New Zealand and America are both Westernised countries, that does not mean the cultures are the same. For example its not fun to venture out of one self into unfamiliar territory and say something that may be considered funny back home only to receive a few smiles or at the most an attempted snigger in response. After experiencing a few similar situations like this a girl can start to lose a bit of self-esteem and question whether she has much of a personality at all. I'm sure ultimately all of this 'losing myself' stuff is good for me but in the process it sure is painful.

Cody does a great job at reminding me of what God is doing since I don't always see it - He is stripping me of false comforts and things that I found my identity in. Also, the foundational stuff that God is instilling in our relationship will over time prove to be invaluable. He wants me to find myself in Him only (not my job, not my family or friends, not my church, not my reputation not even Cody). I know in my heart He is definitely at work somewhere amongst all of this. I know I will see more sometime further down the track. I just pray that in spite of myself, I can still glean from what God had intended for me during this season. Because I think that I may have failed every 'test' that has come my way.

So right now I am preparing myself to become a Mama - well sort of, mostly just trying to find foods that I can eat that don't make me feel sick. I am slowly getting through a parenting book which is awesome (called Grace Based Parenting). I'm even doing "mama" type things like learning how to make bread, looking at baby clothes online...I guess that's about it for now, but it sure is a start! I am getting excited about heading home to have the little one, having my Mum and Dad around me while I get ready, and just being back in the comforts of my hometown. I know things will be different (not just the city landscape), but I am learning to accept that change will always be apart of life. I was recently emailing a friend back and forth and she was telling me what God had been teaching her in this season of her life and it really struck something in me. It is so simple yet so profound. God's grace is for the moment and the challenge is to rest in that and allow God's grace to envelop me, not to be too focused on looking ahead and getting outside of the Grace that He has to enable me for the NOW.

Making do with what you have

Recently we moved into a new apartment. I was very sad about having to move in the first place. I was uninspired and unmotivated to look at anything since I believed we couldn't afford anything I wanted anyway, particularly in the area we wanted. There had been a place round the corner from the amazing apartment we had been living in that we had talked about. I had refused to even check it out because of the outside appearance. Cody went ahead and did his research on it anyway. We found out that the rent was surprisingly reasonable considering the location and it was month to month lease which was exactly what we needed. When Cody took me to see it (5 days before we had to move) lets just say I wasn't exactly thrilled about it but I was (reluctant to admit it) pleasantly surprised at the inside layout of the place. It did smell. Really bad. This alone was enough to put me off. The walls were unusual (I have come to love them now) and it was just plain filthy especially compared to the nice modern place we had been living in. But as usual my very optimistic husband saw the potential in it. He really has a gift of being able to see the beauty in anything. Since we had about 5 days to find a place and no other hopeful prospects I reluctantly agreed it was the best option for us since the other was living out of our borrowed mini-van.

Once we started moving in and putting our mark on the place, I started to have more and more hope. Cody worked so hard to get moved in as soon as possible so we could feel settled in our new home. We had fun working out the composition of the rooms together and figuring out the cheapest way of organising our things in a very small kitchen and a bedroom that has a tiny closet. I really didn't think we were able to make this place look as amazing as it does. Cody has taught me so much about not being hindered by the obstacles that always speak louder but seeing the potential in everything and simply making do with what we have. Even the amount of ants, cockroaches and fruit flies hasn't put me off, or the fact that I have to heat the kettle to get hot water to do our dishes, or that our shower takes 10 minutes to heat, not even the smell has turned me away (I'm sure some of this is normal when renting but since I lived at home up until I got married, I have never experienced any of this. Ohh woe is me). It has become such a cozy home that I am very proud of. I am so proud of my husband too for not allowing the initial hindrances (or the attitude of his wife) to deter him. Like my Mum said "even if you guys had to live in a container you would make it look like a designer container".

Our lounge with about 10 scented candles burning the gross smells away

Our cheap clothes storage hanging mechanism from Ikea

Charlie's spot!

I had to add a photo of me baking cookies in the new kitchen

This cabinet is my fave part of the kitchen

A lot of time on my hands

I have been pondering on the idea of starting a blog for awhile. I have gone back and forth with reasons why I shouldn't:
1 - it's become too trendy
2 - I'm sure people are way too busy with their own lives to be spending their time reading about the monotony of another's life
3 - is my reason for starting one based on knowing that others will be reading it so therefore how biased/real would be writing be knowing that the words will be constructed from the position of knowingly having an audience (even if its just one or two followers!)...

STOP! I interrupted my thoughts and told myself to quit all the analytical thinking and just do it if I simply want to. And so I have (with a bit of encouragement from some friends). Why not? I have so much time on my hands that it seems like a good way to feel connected to people, process the comings and goings of life and simply just to chronologise life in an accessible and ordered way. I just hope that writing the posts for this won't take as long as what it took to come up with a name. It's always those silly little decisions that take me way too long - so I asked my husband for a little help. I got a lot. In came a lineup of about 10 texts in a row - Livvtures, Livvitides, Livvitudes, Livvitures, Snaplivvots(??), LivvinLife, Livvy be thy name, With our powers combined we can be livtorious, Livtoria (my middle name is Victoria), JustLiv...I decided on JustLiv.

My husband (as you can tell I like to say "my husband"... novelty still hasn't worn off) is away all week and I have been doing some serious thinking about what kinds of hobbies I should take up. I have always liked to make the most of my days but there are certain obstacles to achieving this when I am trying to work out my new surroundings and life and feeling like I have to start over in so many different ways. There are of course many good things about this.

Right now I'm still not sure what the purpose of this blog will be. Knowing that it can be a means of loved ones back home staying connected and updated with my life is good enough for me.

K since I'm new at this I'm not sure what the protocol is for ending posts. Is it like a letter where you say "Lots of love..." etc, or like a text where you put a "x" at the end. I'll just leave it with that.